the war on slugs

This morning the world awoke to a terrible sight. Extremist slugs had wreaked untold devastation on an innocent, and unsuspecting runner bean plant.

Apparently the slugs had been secretly training for many days before carrying out the outrage, led by senior slugs who had attended secret training camps for Mujasluggin.

“This was a dramatic failure of intelligence on our part” admitted one official. “These slugs have taken us entirely by surprise, our defences have been breached, and a terrible cost has been extracted.”


The scene of devastation.

A crisis cabinet was convened, and a ministry spokesman briefed a hushed press conference early this morning:

“We will not let this go unpunished. These slugs cannot strike at the very heart of our garden and be allowed to slither away totally free.

“As far as we know, they have returned to their hiding places, under logs, in between stones in the wall, and in other dark and damp areas.

“But believe this, we will find them, and they will answer for what happened here today.”

This statement was later followed by a message of support from the primeminister of the garden over the road, who pledged his full support, and made clear his personal commitment to be “tough on slugs, tough on the causes of slugs.”

As yet though the causes of slugs are unclear. The primeminister also said that he had been made aware of intelligence which showed that slugs in Harold-next-door’s garden were able to strike at the runner beans at just 45 minutes notice.


One problem that has been highlighted in the aftermath of the attack, are that our garden’s deterrants are outdated.

“It’s clear that our systems need to be overhauled” a spokesman said, “these slugs should never have slipped through so easily.

“It may even be that they disguised themselves as snail, or even worms, to affect this infiltration, and we therefore advise that all citizens be aware of any, and I mean any slimy creature, as they may pose a real and present threat to the security of our garden.”

Some campaigners have pointed out that under the terms of the Innes no3 treaty, all gardens have pledged not to renew or update their deterrant systems. But a government spokesman pointed out that these rules are for ‘other’ gardens, where the administrations cannot be trusted to garden efficiently.

“Some of these gardens are allowed to run wild, with little or no investment made in terms of cultivation. In such places, which are best described as ‘the axis of evil’, we as responsible gardeners need to be firm in our resolve over allowing them to develop new weapons, which they could in future use against us, or worse, could fall into the wrong hands.”

“Imagine what a slug could do with that technology!” He added.


Innocent and vulnerable – the French beans could be next!

Concern is now growing for the vulnerability of some young french bean plants, which have so far remained unscathed.

“We dont know when, but we do know that at some point an attempt will be made on these french beans, and in order to prevent that we must take decisive action.” The spokesman explained.

“A garden shed cabinet has been convened, and we are considering the next step in this campaign . An invasion of Harold-next-door’s garden has not been ruled out, it is clear that he is harbouring slugs, and our intel supports the theory that the slugs spiritual leader, Oslima Bin Sluggin may be based there.”

Opposition voices have been raised, as fears grow that a full on invasion may happen, which would pose terrible problems with the police, what with it being someone elses garden and everything… Critics have also claimed that the real reason for the invasion is not slugs at all, but is motivated by the fact that Harold-next-door is brewing his own bio diesel in his garage.

More to follow.


4 thoughts on “the war on slugs

  1. Excellent! I can hardly wait for the next installment. Will every plant be placed under continuous surveillance to ensure that none of them aid or abett the slugs? Will war be declared on Harold-next-door? Will increasingly ridiculous anti-slug rules and measures be put in place?

    I can just imagine the slugs cowering in their spider-holes as our brave boys and girls bring the salt of democracy!

  2. I have a similar problem but I use my weapon of organic destruction which I can deploy at less than 45 minutues notice. It is acompanied by a morale boosting marching song that goes like this:
    Pink or Brown?
    Grind ’em down
    But if its black
    Put it back!
    My weapon is – of course – the heel of a wellington boot!
    The pink and brown ones feed on living plants and the black ones on the dead – even so you shouldn’t chuck the black ones next door as they are homing slugs!

  3. Last night had 19 slugs in beer traps. Woke up to throw them out the AM. All were GONE! Do you have any idea????Someone said a skunk…..but they may have been joking. Please let me know. I had them in MY KITCHEN and puppy brought one in the BED

  4. we dont have many skunks here in Wales… so I wouldnt know. They do dissolve after a while, and other creatres do eat them, in particular other slugs – but not while they are in traps! Its a mystery!

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