“We are aware of at least twelve cells of fanatical slugs who have been planning raids on targets in the garden.
“The problem we have encountered is that our agents, have traditionally been trained to infiltrate gangs of earwigs and woodlice.
“As a result of this, our ability to speak the language of slug is hampered.
“Fortunately we have a snail in the fish tank who speaks a form of snail – which is a bit like slug, but agents who are fluent in slug are hard to come by. This is an issue we are currently redressing, but not quickly enough to make an impact to this situation.” Press release issued by the office of the supreme gardener.
This was the grim news which greeted us as we rose this morning, the world is different now… there is a tangible sense of fear in the air, and extra blackbirds and thrushes are constantly patrolling the skies above the garden.
Without a doubt, the spirit of the blitz is alive and well here. We’ve all been making the best of it, digging for Britain, that kind of thing. Last night we hunkered down as best we could, hardly sleeping, knowing that any moment the slugs could strike again.
But there is also a constant air of suspicion in the air, and it has been directed not just at the overgrown weed patch in Harold-next-door’s garden, but also at a more distant, and older enemy… the French!
Conspiracy theorists weren’t slow to point out that in fact the French beans had not been touched by the invaders, and some witnesses claimed to have seen snails in the area. These two factors taken separately may have meant nothing, but we all know snails are french, and so are french beans. Curioser and curioser.
Suspicious – the French beans werent touched.
At first light this morning the garage was raided, two slugs were discovered hiding out there, but a spokesman said that they were believed to be loners, not part of the terror network.
The whereabouts of these captives is unknown, but using the emergency powers granted by the crisis cabinet, a salt encrusted prison camp has been set up on the old-green-table-in-front-of-the-kitchen, this facility has become known as Bantam Guano Ay, or sometimes Pa Cry Max.
Meanwhile moves are underway to engage in dialogue with Harold-next-door, in a dramatic last ditch effort to prevent hostilities breaking out.
“I remember when a ball went in his garden, he didnt throw it back for weeks” said one little girl tearfully. “He’s a vile dictator!” She added.
It is certainly clear that Harold-next-door has been known to dig ‘tators, but whether he does this in a vile way, is unclear. Also unclear is the whereabouts of the slug spiritual leader, Oslima Bin Sluggin, he is thought by some to be hiding out in a small cave in the old wall which borders the side of the garden, and has so far been thought to protect us from the ravages of Harold-next-door, and his chemically powered gardening practises.
“A man who uses chemicals on his plants cannot be trusted” reminded a ministry spokesman. “This kind of indiscriminate use of chemical and biological weaponry to cleanse his gardens of plants he doesnt like, which he describes as weeds, is evidence of his callousness.”
Some dissident voices have claimed however that in fact the slugs were initially trained by our own government, during a campaign against the-bloke-who-lived-next-door-on-the-other-side-but-who-moved, which began after he kept blocking up the lane behind the houses, with his van, at inconvenient times.
“Our own government financed and trained the slugs, in an effort to destroy his plants during the spring of 2005.
“At that time the slugs, in particular the Mujasluggin were seen as useful to us… the enemy of our enemy is our friend and all that.” Said film maker and outspoken chubby guy Michael Moremoremore.
“It just goes to show!” He added knowingly.
More to follow.